katecafehope

Wheat and Chaff

As I sort through years of all that has accumulated over the course of my life, I consider the term “winnowing-fan,” a word which comes from the Greek and literally means “consumer of chaff.”

A winnowing-fan looks nothing like what we think of as a fan—but both are used to create currents of air. The farmer puts the unsorted grain and chaff into the basket, and shakes it until the lighter chaff is propelled over the fan’s lip, while the heavier grain remains inside.

As the old saying goes, “what does that have to do with the price of tea in China?” (or whatever variation of that you might have heard growing up). If you have ever sorted through all your belongings, perhaps you recognize the process of the winnowing-fan: making judgements on what is “chaff,” nonessential, and what is “wheat,” those things that lend deeper meaning to your life.

During one of my residencies in the Shalem Program for Spiritual Guidance, we were on silent retreat for the weekend. We were not to use our phones but I noticed my husband was calling. He knew I was in silent retreat, so I expected it had to be important. When I answered, he told me the woods behind our house were on fire and he had been warned that he should be prepared to evacuate, taking with him whatever we deemed most important. What did I think was most important, he wanted to know. What a startling question!

When I paused, he said, “I was thinking of packing up the quilts.” Strange as that answer may seem, our walls as well as our beds are covered with quilts. We have one that was made for his mother as a friendship quilt in 1933 when she was pregnant with his beloved sister, twelve years his senior. Many of the squares are signed by his relatives. We have a quilt my mother made on the wall and one of hers on one of the beds. We have a quilt made by family friends who once had a quilt displayed in the Smithsonian. My quilter friend Mary has graced our home with many of her creations. So much of our life together is represented by our quilts.

Thankfully, as it turned out, firefighters were able to contain the fire and we didn’t have to make any sudden decisions about what to save. But the question still stands as I seek to divest myself of so much: What is wheat and what is chaff?

May we be bearers of hope, the “wait staff” of Hope’s Café for each other and all those we encounter. Shalom, Kate

Hope’s Café Bonus: The winnowing-fan

Quandary

The word “quandary” has been on my mind lately—because I have been in one. The Oxford dictionary defines this as “a state of perplexity or uncertainty over what to do in a difficult situation.” I had to laugh because the example given to use it in a sentence was “Kate is in a quandary.”

Recently I offered to send a 21 day discernment process I had put together last year to a friend whose church is in a “quandary” now. In leafing through what I had written, I came to day ten’s entry which included these questions:

When I (we) look back a year from now, what would I (we) like to have done?
Am I (are we) aware of all the options?
What are the possible consequences of each option?
Am I (are we) telling myself (ourselves) the truth? (Too often we tell ourselves what we want to hear).
Does this feel right? (Is thinking about the option energizing or draining?)
What would I (we) do if I (we) weren’t afraid?

Well, one might wonder: Why Hadn’t I Thought of Using This For Myself?! So, I got out my journal and began to write. All of these questions I found helpful, but some were particularly illuminating. What would I do if I weren’t afraid? I think back on my senior year in college. The recruiter for Peace Corps was on campus. As a reporter for the school paper, I was sent to interview her. She and I instantly “clicked.” She strongly encouraged me to apply. And I wanted to. But that would have meant being far from the safety and familiarity of home. I couldn’t (wouldn’t) bring myself to take the risk.

Looking back, I can see that just the leap from college student to employed person out in the world was daunting enough to me. Going to a foreign country seemed like a bridge too far. But I also see that I sometimes rule doable things out as too difficult, impossible even, without giving those things time to percolate, time for a path to evolve.

So should you ever find yourself in a “quandary,” I recommend these questions. Ponder them. Get out pen and paper and respond to them. You might well discover some enlightenment on your dilemma, perhaps even resolution to it.

May we be bearers of hope, the “wait staff” of Hope’s Café for each other and all those we encounter. Shalom, Kate

Hope’s Café Bonus: Raise a toast to Hope’s Café! This post represents one full year of blogs coming to you every Friday! 😊

Radical Hospitality

The phrase “radical hospitality” caught my attention in a recent post on the website Abbey of the Arts, a site I discovered this year.

Radical hospitality tends to inspire “walking into trouble” as Sister Simone Campbell, head of the Nuns on the Bus tour, describes her faith. This use of faith as a verb instead of a noun was also espoused by the late Congressman John Lewis who famously said, “Make good trouble, necessary trouble.” Their actions exemplify this practice of putting extraordinary effort and emphasis on making people feel welcome, of accepting the challenge and risks of extending ourselves beyond our comfort zones.

In 2013 my pastor took sabbatical and I was hired to be the pastor in his absence. My very first Sunday in the pulpit, a homeless man came in off the street. We welcomed him as we would anyone but were a little wary. We had had a service disrupted once by someone who was seriously mentally ill and that left an indelible impression. Two ushers seated themselves nearby where the fellow had found a pew and stretched out, covering himself with his coat. He appeared to be asleep throughout the service. But when it came time to offer prayer requests, he suddenly popped up, saying he wanted to share something. I hesitated a split second and then said, “Of course. Please do.” To our surprise and delight, he held us spellbound as he sang a beautiful hymn.

Hospitality can yield pleasant surprises, such as this one was, but also some disconcerting ones. When a cross dresser arrived for worship we were happy to welcome him but were startled when we learned from him afterward that he had served time as a pedophile. He reported that he was meeting regularly with his parole officer, whose contact information he freely gave. Now we had the safety of our children to consider. In consultation with our parents of young children, we put a plan in place to ensure he was not around the children but we continued to welcome him to our services.

Though these examples were within our walls, the nature of radical hospitality actually calls us to reach out. Once when our governor had put forth a plan to extend health care, our congregation in concert with others, marched in support of it. I accompanied the pastor to the office of our representative prior to the vote to urge his support. When we take radical hospitality seriously we are alert to opportunities to extend ourselves in the cause of making this a more welcoming place for all.

However, the post from the Abbey, which started me on this topic, pointed out another aspect which seems fundamental. The Abbey author suggested a reaching inward to offer radical hospitality towards ourselves, recognizing the burdens we bear—old wounds and griefs, anxieties and anger–emotional scars that could use some tender care. This is the soil in which compassion within us grows, enabling us to respond to those we encounter, authentically, effectively, in the practice of this hospitality so needed in our world.

May we be bearers of hope, the “wait staff” of Hope’s Café for each other and all those we encounter. Shalom, Kate

Hope’s Café Bonus: 1) Consider if you yourself need some radical hospitality. How might you nurture yourself to grow a more compassionate attitude within? 2) Pay attention to needs that present themselves to you and assess where you might offer radical hospitality.

Monkey Mind

Sometimes on Sunday mornings when I have the opportunity, I join in a Sangha group on zoom. Sangha is a Buddhist community that gathers for meditation, study and mutual support. In the 20 minutes of meditation that precedes the study topic, I often have what is referred to as “monkey mind.”

According to Buddhist principles, the “monkey mind” is a term that refers to being unsettled, restless, or confused. I experience it as a jumble of thoughts leading me on a not-so-merry chase. So this past Sunday I began to play with the image of a monkey performing its antics, swinging from branches, careening from one tree to another. Eventually I imagined the monkey just sitting on a limb. A client to whom I had lent a meditation CD I had recorded once told me that whenever she played it, her cat would stretch out contentedly in front of the speaker. So I imagined the monkey stretching out on the limb for a nap. While I never could quite get the monkey to sleep, he did seem to doze a bit.

Focusing on the breath is always the path to quieting the mind. There are many techniques that have been suggested but I discovered one Sunday I had not heard recommended before. As you breathe in, gently open your palm. As you breath out, gently close it .

Behavioral researchers find that using our hands for activities stimulates brain activity, promotes mental health, and relieves stress. Kelly Lambert, neuroscientist at the University of Richmond made up a term she called “behaviorceuticals.” instead of pharmaceuticals. She used this in the sense that when we move and when we engage in activities, we change the neurochemistry of our brain in ways that a drug can change the neurochemistry of our brain.

Everyone can discover for herself or himself what techniques work best for meditation. But, to borrow a phrase, it never hurts to have one more “tool” in the “arsenal.”

May we be bearers of hope, the “wait staff” of Hope’s Café for each other and all those we encounter. Shalom, Kate

Hope’s Café Bonus: Another tip involving the body is to ask yourself “Where are my feet?” Put them firmly on solid ground. If your circumstances don’t permit that, imagine planting them on terra firma. This may seem a little absurd if you have never tried it. But it can pretty quickly connect you to the present moment, key to meditation.

Narrative

In the book How To Be Awake and Alive, the authors, a married couple who were therapists, write of a young man in their office speaking about his unhappy marriage: “He loved his wife, but felt compelled to criticize her and put her down. As the session continued, he was asked about his parents. He shook his head sadly, saying he was sure they didn’t love each other. He was encouraged to talk about his childhood, and it became increasingly clear that somehow it was important for him to believe that his parents had an unhappy marriage. Not only that, but he had an equally strong conviction that all marriages were bad, including his own.”

The stories we tell ourselves about our lives, about who we are, can empower us or damage us in ways that persist throughout our lives. I have had a heart murmur from childhood but it was not diagnosed till I was in junior high. Up until then, I only knew that I could not keep up with other kids. I wasn’t picked for teams. It took me three years to pass beginner swimming. I felt defective. While I now recognize the feeling and can challenge it when I encounter it, this is embedded in my psyche.

I also told myself I was not very smart. This was based on the fact that science and math were not my strong suits. I excelled at English and journalism and did well with languages. But perhaps along with my belief that I was “defective,” believing I was also not very smart came easily.

The term “narrative therapy” came into use in the 1980’s by New Zealand therapists, Michael White and David Epston, who felt it was critically important for people not to label themselves, to see themselves as “broken” or “the problem,” or for them to feel powerless in their circumstances and behavior patterns. Thus the focus of narrative therapy is on stories that we develop within ourselves and carry throughout our lives. We give meaning to our personal experiences. These narratives influence how we see ourselves and the world around us, thus impacting choices and decisions we make. I look back on opportunities I missed because I didn’t believe myself smart enough or capable enough to give them the effort they deserved.

“The way we tell our life story is the way we begin to live our life,” wrote author Maureen Murdoch. Or, as one saying I recall, phrased it: “Be careful how you speak your life because how you speak your life can become your life.”

So speak to yourself as you would to someone dear to you, with love and encouragement. Be alert to old beliefs that hold you back and challenge them. If necessary, rewrite old “scripts” and develop a new narrative. Discover the empowerment of affirming your own truth.

May we be bearers of hope, the “wait staff” of Hope’s Café for each other and all those we encounter. Shalom, Kate

Hope’s Café Bonus: “We all make mistakes, have struggles, even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.” — Steve Maraboli, author and motivational speaker.

Graceful Exits

“There’s a trick to the ‘graceful exit.’ It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over—and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up rather than out.” So wrote Ellen Goodman, American journalist and syndicated columnist.

Letting go, exiting gracefully, seems to be a challenge I have never quite mastered, a skill set never fully developed. I mourn. I agonize. I dither. My mother was fond of saying “Once you’ve made a decision, murder the alternative.” I’m sure she had watched me mourn/agonize/dither enough times just trying to get to a decision, that she was encouraging me to put an end to it.

Probably another ‘trick’ to the graceful exit is to recognize what purpose it serves to hang on. When I look at my own process, I see that it gives me the sense of having two (or perhaps more) desired things at once. Sadly, it deprives me of truly having either (or any). Case in point: each year as we are aging, living on our property becomes a little more difficult. We talk about selling. We talk about where we might move. We do very little towards either. But as long as we remain in place, we have the benefit of being here and the dream of being somewhere else. However, that means I spend a lot of time not being in the present moment, disrupting the pleasure of living where we are, of truly being present to where I am in this moment of time.

So my goal today is to pay attention to my life as it is right now, in this place where I am right now. And when the time comes to move on, may I exit gracefully.

May we be bearers of hope, the “wait staff” of Hope’s Café for each other and all those we encounter. Shalom, Kate

Hope’s Café Bonus: A #MondayMoment quote is “Today I will live in the moment…..unless the moment is unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.” Doesn’t hurt to keep a sense of humor as you practice living in the present moment! A cookie won’t “fix” anything really. But should you “need” a cookie and want a new cookie recipe to try, I suggest one I adapted:

Oatmeal Chip Cookies ¾ c. butter or margarine; 1 c. brown sugar packed firm; ½ white sugar; 1 egg; ¼ c. water; ¼ c. molasses; 1 tsp. vanilla; 2 c. oatmeal; 2 c. flour; 1 t. soda; 1 t. salt; ½ c. chocolate chips; ½ c. butterscotch (or peanut butter) chips; Beat together shortening, sugars, egg, water, molasses and vanilla. Add remaining ingredients. Drop by rounded tsp. onto greased baking sheet. Bake 10-12 min. at 350 degrees. Bon appetit!

Resilience

“Optimism is really rooted in gratitude. Optimism is sustainable when you keep coming back to gratitude, and what follows from that is acceptance.” These are the words of Michael J. Fox, age 59, who has battled Parkinson’s disease for 30 years.

In an interview with him I heard this week, the talented and now retired actor talked about a dark place he had been in more recently when he fell and shattered his arm. Following his initial reaction to his diagnosis in 1992 when he drank heavily, he had since worked to maintain an upbeat attitude through all his difficulties. But this latest accident was a severe blow that sent him reeling emotionally. What brought him back? Gratitude

I have written about this approach to life before. But in sorting through some materials I have saved over the years, I found an article that expanded my understanding of gratitude. The author of this article, Diana Butler Bass, noted that we misunderstand gratitude as a practice of looking backward, giving thanks for what we have previously experienced. Instead, Butler Bass wrote, gratitude is not about passive reflection, but about building resilience. Further, she conveyed that when we practice being grateful, we create an “upward spiral” of well-being such that we increase the likelihood of functioning well and feeling good in the future.

Gratitude is a habit we can build by “engaging the past more graciously, living more appreciatively now and building thanks into the foundation for our future,” according to Butler Bass. When I myself have begun to slip into some doldrums over disappointment or loss, ranging from minor to catastrophic, counting blessings has rarely failed me.

While we all can identify experiences in our lives that have left us struggling to cope, the antidote is within our capacity to develop. After her termination from her first job out of graduate school, Butler Bass was encouraged by a friend to keep a journal and write down at least one blessing every day. In the beginning she found it hard but eventually began to notice the list of blessings was growing and her own sense of herself and her world was growing more positive along with it.

This practice of journaling has been given the name “gratitude intervention” and has been recommended by psychologists and medical professionals as evidence has mounted that writing about blessings reduces stress and improves moods. Seems a worthy practice whether one is experiencing extreme challenges or a period of calm. If the very idea seems daunting, consider it an experiment, tinker with it a bit. You might be as surprised as Butler Bass and as renewed as Michael J. Fox.

May we be bearers of hope, the “wait staff” of Hope’s Café for each other and all those we encounter. Shalom, Kate

Hope’s Café Bonus: “If you must look back, do so forgivingly. If you must look forward, do so prayerfully. However, the wisest thing you can do is be present to the present…gratefully.”—Maya Angelou

Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” So said author Marianne Williamson. Many of us have experienced this truth.

In our household, we often discover a bit of hard, crusty bread that managed to sink into some abyss in the pantry. I find my own process of forgiveness to be much like finding bits of hard, crusty remains of a loaf of old resentments I thought I had forgiven. But no! I had hung on to some part that still smoldered, like remnants of a fire that cooled but never went out entirely.

Dr. Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, offers this suggestion for dealing with those difficult emotions that we tend to perpetuate by keeping them tucked in some corner of our hearts, where we can easily retrieve them to ruminate yet again on the injustice of it all:

“Picture the crowded screen in front of a harried air traffic controller. Picture the chaos in the room and the jumble of planes on the screen. Now imagine that your unresolved grievances are the planes on that screen that have been circling for days and weeks on end. Most of the other planes have landed, but your unresolved grievances continue to take up precious air space, draining resources that may be needed in an emergency. Having them on the screen forces you to work harder and increases the chance for accidents. The grievance planes become a source of stress and burnout is often the result.”

Forgiveness is the peace you learn to feel, Dr. Luskin says, when you allow these circling planes to land.

May we be bearers of hope, the “wait staff” of Hope’s Café for each other and all those we encounter. Shalom, Kate

Hope’s Café Bonus: (From my archive of therapy tools)

An Exercise for Dissolving Old Resentments: Sit quietly, close your eyes and allow your mind and body to relax. Then imagine yourself sitting in a darkened theater and in front of you is a small stage. On that stage place the person you resent most, past or present, living or dead. When you see this person clearly, visualize good things happening to this person. Things that would be meaningful to them. See them smiling and happy. Hold this image for a few minutes then let it fade away. As they leave the stage, put yourself up there. See good things happening to you. See yourself smiling and happy. Imagine the theater being brighter yourself feeling lighter and radiating peace and joy. Be aware that the abundance of the universe is available for all.

Fear

On a pleasantly warm August evening in 2016, my husband and I took our one year- old grandson in his stroller for a walk in a nearby park. A dog got loose from its owner, raced past me, his leash wrapping around my leg, knocking me to the ground, leaving me unconscious and bleeding. After a night in the hospital, my scalp stitched back together, I was grateful to have come through it as well as I did. But I was left with a fear of dogs. I “therapized” myself, searching for wisdom that might help me overcome this.

“The fears we don’t face become our limits,” was one bit of direction I leaned on.

“You have to remember fear is not real. It is a product of the thoughts you create. Don’t misunderstand me. Danger is very real but fear is a choice,” was another quote I found. There is some truth in that quote. But I posit that fear is not always a choice.

I think of the story my husband tells of an experience in Vietnam when he was ordered to take a particular village. He deemed it a very poor decision on his superior’s part, that he would almost certainly lose a lot of men with nothing accomplished by their efforts. He initially thought he would act just as soon as he got over his fear. But he quickly came to the conclusion that he was going to have to use his fear to propel him to carry out the order. As one quote I discovered noted, “Sometimes the fear won’t go away, so you’ll have to do it afraid.”

One of the most helpful pieces of wisdom I found was from Dawn Markova:

“I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow living to open me, to make me more accessible; to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance, to live so that which came to me as seed, goes to the next as blossom, and that which came to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.”

Occasionally, I still feel wary when I see a dog. But I choose to not let fear disrupt my peace. We do well when we refuse to acquiesce to fear and instead embrace life.

May we be bearers of hope, the “wait staff” of Hope’s Café for each other and all those we encounter. Shalom, Kate

Hope’s Café Bonus: One last quote: “What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it.” Jiddu Krishnamurti

Anger

“Anger is a habit.” Years ago, I heard this as I was listening to the radio, hearing someone interviewed about anger. Anger management classes were trending at that time and sometimes as a therapist I referred people to them. But all of a sudden this was about ME and MY anger. I recognized immediately that I had developed a pattern. We had taken a teenage boy and his younger sister into our home as foster children. His sister had a habit any time things were going well, to inject something into the mix that was destructive. And I would get angry. This was, of course, the exact response she wanted. It provided emotional distance if she was starting to feel too close, too cozy in the family. Foster children often have that tendency. After that program, I made an effort to be less reactive. At least sometimes I was successful in that. Not nearly often enough, I think.

“While anger can bring about change, it can ultimately only lead to more conflict,” writes Brother Phap Dung, a monk at Plum Village in France. He points out this can be true in our personal lives as well as in the fate of a nation. His suggestion is to first find one’s center, when faced with a situation that invites anger or aggression.

“Nonaction is sometimes very powerful. Sometimes we underestimate someone sitting very calm, very solid and not reacting and they can touch a place of peace, a place of love, a place of nondiscrimination. That is not inaction,” Brother Phap writes.

One time in particular, I was quite irritated with my daughter. There was some task I had asked her repeatedly to do and she had never taken care of it. I recall so clearly my hand on the doorknob, ready to storm upstairs and read her the riot act. But I stopped. I thought what the outcome would be. She would be upset. I would be upset. If she did the task at all it would be with resentment. So I didn’t storm upstairs. I sat down and wrote something to the effect of what it was I wanted her to do, how I felt because she had not done it and my appreciation for her taking the time to complete it. I carried the note up to her, handed it to her wordlessly and left. In a little while the task was completed. She was not angry. I was no longer irritated. I still marvel at the simplicity of that interaction.

When I consider the anger in our country, indeed in our world, I imagine what it might be like if everyone paused with their hand on the doorknob and took stock before they took action.

May we be bearers of hope, the “wait staff” of Hope’s Café for each other and all those we encounter. Shalom, Kate

Hope’s Café Bonus: A breathing practice: (in breath) Peace in Oneself; (out breath) Peace in the World. Repeat frequently. 😊

P.S. This is the blog I intended to write last week when I came across the story about Shirley the elephant and elected to write that instead. Next week will be on fear, as I think anger and fear are the biggest obstacles in any movement towards a more peaceful coexistence.