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Home Is Where the Heart Is

Two Cups of Tea at Hope’s Cafe

“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere.  That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.”  This quote showed up in my memories on Facebook this week.  That thought strikes me in the solar plexus.  When I am in Chattanooga, I am happy to be near our daughter and son-in-law here and our longtime friends….and I am aware that I am not with our daughter and son-in-law and grandchildren in Maryland…I am aware I am not in Montana with our more recent friends and community there.  And this is indeed the price I pay “for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.” 

Early in our marriage, we put our house on the market.   We were startled that it sold immediately.  Needing housing quickly, we moved in with my mother-in-law while we built another home.  One day while my husband and I were walking around the property which would eventually provide us years of comfort and pleasure, he said, “I could live in a tent with you” which translates to “Home doesn’t depend on building a new house.  Home is with you.” 

Thinking over our years together, I imagine our relationship as a tree, nurtured and rooted during our life.  All those people and places I miss when I am not there are the branches that have grown from this trunk, all part of a whole.  These are not disparate pieces of my life.  I have many  “homes.” They all belong to our story. And for that I am grateful.

“Good friends (I would alter this to say ‘The significant people in your life’) are like stars.  You don’t always see them, but you always know they are there.”

The invitation is open to share two cups of tea anytime at Hope’s Café or anywhere you share companionship and conversation.

May we bearers of hope, the “wait staff” at Hope’s Café, for each other and all those we encounter.  Shalom, Kate

Two Cups of Tea at Hope’s Café

Fresh off a week of celebrations with friends and family, first Thanksgiving, followed two days later by my husband Terry’s 80^th birthday party, I am deeply aware of the role we play in loving, supporting and cheering each other on through life. However, with three grandchildren I witnessed another aspect of our human behavior that mirrors society’s troublesome characteristic: the struggle for power, for dominance.

For five years, our grandson Gabriel was the “baby” of the family, the younger of two boys.  Then our daughter and son-in-law pursued the adoption of “Mercy,” who was just shy of three when she came to live with them in 2024.  She was adopted from an orphanage in Africa where the family was living at the time.  Culture shock engulfed everyone concerned!  Jockeying for position became a major occupation for these three children. And it isn’t a pretty sight!

Mercy is a recognized leader at preschool.  She pays attention to those absent on any given day.  She is like a sheepherding dog, rounding people up, directing play time with her classmates.  At home she is the youngest and is resented by her brothers when she tries to dominate.  Gabriel is quite distressed to be misplaced in the family dynamic.  Sebastian sometimes takes on a leadership role, getting the three of them to play in some way he designs and they follow.  Other times he is just part of the fray. 

Yet in the midst of this, Mercy demonstrated something else.  She asked me to play a board game with her.  At four, she seemed to me perhaps not quite prepared to understand the game or to play by its rules.   But she did.  She was pleased with herself when she won the first game.  When I won the second one I expected some objection.  Instead, she enthusiastically clapped for me. 

What a different world this would be if we clapped for each other, cheered each other on, truly recognized we are all “just walking each other home.”  At this time of year when we focus on charitable acts, we have the opportunity to accept the challenge to recommit every day to being charitable people in a fractious world.  As Winston Churchill said, “We make a living by what we get. But we make a life by what we give.”

The invitation is open to share two cups of tea anytime at Hope’s Café or anywhere you share companionship and conversation.

May we bearers of hope, the “wait staff” at Hope’s Café, for each other and all those we encounter.  Shalom, Kate

Two Cups of Tea at Hope’s Cafe

Having grown up in northern Oklahoma, known for the Cherokee Strip Land Run September 16, 1893, and home to the Pioneer Woman statue located in Ponca City, I had a rather romantic notion about pioneering.  Pioneers were rugged, resourceful, adventurous people.  I thought I would have loved to have been a pioneer.  Eventually I came to realize that they endured some unimaginable hardships that I wouldn’t have wanted to experience. 

I could easily get sidetracked here both because of the history of the Oklahoma land runs on the territory given to the Cherokee and other tribes removed from their homelands  (Trail of Tears come to mind?) and because of the back story of the Pioneer Woman statue.  But that is not the point of this blog.

In the fourth grade we had a shelf of books in our room to include a number of biographies.  I read the one about Jane Addams, the first “social worker,” first called “friendly visitors.”  I decided immediately that is what I wanted to do.  Mostly I single-mindedly pursued that goal.  Twenty-five post graduate years later, working as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, I felt a tug in another direction. The direction was quite indistinct.  My inclination was to find a mentor, which I did.  The mentor urged me to take Clinical Pastoral Education, which I did.  I then had an opportunity to do a three year lay ministry course.  One thing kept leading to another and I eventually was ordained and accepted a call to a church in Montana. (I must have some pioneer spirit!)

During those years as a pastor, my duties, though varied, provided a solid structure to my life.  And then I retired.  Any routine is elusive.  Many people thrive on the freedom of retirement.  I certainly aspired to it.  But I find myself feeling like a pioneer trying to negotiate the landscape of my life.  I thought I had the perfect plan:  spend a large portion of time with our grandchildren several states away; join the choir at church; do occasional supply pastoring.  But I find my life choppy, not coherent, certainly not with the ever-evolving path that I experienced on the road to ministry.  And I have encountered obstacles I hadn’t anticipated that make the journey more challenging. 

The site VeryWellMind addresses this. “Retirement brings a new sense of freedom, but it also comes with challenges and difficult emotions. It’s a change in identity, finances, relationships, and how you spend your time—no wonder it can be difficult to adjust.

“You’ve likely thought a lot about how you’ll enjoy your golden years. But there’s a good chance you never thought much about the psychological effect retirement might have on you. Retirement often means a loss of identity. Whether you identified as a banker, cook, or teacher, retirement can cause you to question who you are now that you’re no longer working.”

That same article suggests “experimenting” with your life,  which, curiously, is a technique we used as therapists.  “Experimenting” gives one room to explore without feeling so much anxiety about the results.  Afterall, it’s an experiment! 

Ralph Waldo Emerson would applaud this.  He said “All life is an experiment.  The more experiments  you make the better!”

To those who may also be feeling like “pioneers” trying to master a new stage or circumstance, I encourage you to join me in “experimenting!”

The invitation is open to share two cups of tea anytime at Hope’s Café or anywhere you share companionship and conversation.

May we bearers of hope, the “wait staff” at Hope’s Café, for each other and all those we encounter.  Shalom, Kate

Didn’t get it together this week! See you next time. Blessings to you! Kate

Two Cups of Tea at Hope’s Cafe

In a moment of despair, fearing that the recent fall I took might have done some real damage to my back. I turned to a sure-fire remedy:  poetry.  Actually, I went to my email to search for a favorite site “inward/outward.” There I found a post on healing which included a link to another site where I discovered a beautiful poem by the talented Jan Richardson:

The Healing That Comes A Blessing

I know how long

you have been waiting

for your story to take

a different turn,

how far

you have gone in search

of what will mend you

and make you whole.

I bear no remedy,

no cure,

no miracle

for the easing

of your pain

But I know

the medicine

that lives in a story

that has been

broken open.

I know

the healing that comes

in ceasing

to hide ourselves away

with fingers clutched

around the fragments

we think are

none but ours.

See how they fit together,

these shards

we have been carrying—

how in their meeting

they make a way

we could not

find alone. 

The post I had first read that led me to the poem also had a comforting thought that I have held onto:

“…there is no assurance of physical healing, only the awareness that I am held in a great web of love.  No matter what happens to my body, my spirit can be whole and at peace.”

So many times I have experienced that “great web of love.” I am reminded I continue to be surrounded by that web and can be whole and at peace, regardless of my personal state. For that I am most grateful. If you are in great pain or dire circumstances, do listen to your body, pay attention to that web of love which holds so much comfort, support and guidance. 

The invitation is open to share two cups of tea anytime at Hope’s Café or anywhere you share companionship and conversation.

May we bearers of hope, the “wait staff” at Hope’s Café, for each other and all those we encounter.  Shalom, Kate

Two Cups of Tea at Hope’s Cafe

While visiting our grandchildren in Maryland, just at the 6 month post-surgery milestone and was doing very well, our 6 y.o., in a burst of exuberance, ran towards me to hug me just as I came inside after a walk.  I wasn’t expecting it, wasn’t prepared, wasn’t “planted.”  Down I went!  I expect it will be at least a month to recover lost ground.

How have I responded?  I have grieved.  I was so happy with my improvement.  I have struggled with acceptance that I don’t bounce back as quickly as I did when I was younger.  I honor my grief and my struggle.  Yet setbacks come in many ways in the course of a lifetime.  We give ourselves a great gift when we are able to move on from the grief and struggle to a path forward, to the actions and attitudes that support recovery.

In setbacks we have a clear choice: to despair or to accept the challenge to overcome the setback.  I think of all the things I have survived, from my earliest recovery from rheumatic fever to the experience Terry and I had when we were defrauded by our longtime business manager.  I won’t be defeated by this setback!  Consider this:

“Giving up on a goal is like slashing your other three tires because you got a flat.” — Setback Quotes.QuotesGram

The invitation is open to share two cups of tea anytime at Hope’s Café or anywhere you share companionship and conversation.

May we bearers of hope, the “wait staff” at Hope’s Café, for each other and all those we encounter.  Shalom, Kate

As I seek to make my way through the present state of affairs here and abroad, I periodically have to do a “reset.”  Today I found some things I thought worth sharing for others who might need a reminder that we can seek light. We even have opportunities to be light to others.

From Albert Camus, this timeless classic:

Or consider this thought:

Sometimes even my own thoughts serve to remind me to “reset.”

12 October 2018 ·

I am amazed sometimes at how in the midst of upheaval and the anxiety that can accompany it, that a sense of peace can envelop me. I am always sustained even when my awareness is clouded.

As evening begins to wrap its arms around my corner of the world, I hear the murmur of birds and crickets and tree frogs. I surrender to the moment.

The invitation is open to share two cups of tea anytime at Hope’s Café or anywhere you share companionship and conversation

May we bearers of hope, the “wait staff” at Hope’s Café, for each other and all those we encounter.  Shalom, Kate

Two Cups of Tea at Hope’s Café

Mulling over what I might say about our present conflict-ridden atmosphere, I came across the term “conflict prone.”

The term “conflict prone” refers to a situation or individual that is likely to lead to conflict or disputes. It describes characteristics that may result in unrest or disorder. For example, areas described as conflict-prone may experience frequent clashes or tensions. 

(Ludwig AI)

When I was seven or eight, my mother, always a soft heart for “strays,” arranged to pick up a little girl for church every Sunday.  Every time as we got closer to their home, my stomach would begin to clinch.  It never failed that her family was on the porch hurling insults and obscenities at each other.  Given that in my home during my entire growing up I heard my father say “damn” once. I only ever heard my mother, extremely frustrated, on three occasions exclaim “hell’s bells!” I had never experienced such vile language and certainly didn’t expect family members to be so hateful to one another.

As a therapist I often encountered such families, where conflict was the order of the day. “High-conflict personalities are fundamentally adversarial personalities,” reported Bill Eddy. LCSW, JD, in a November 6, 2017 article in “Psychology Today.”   “They don’t see their part in their own problems and instead are preoccupied with blaming others—possibly you….They all have the basic HCP pattern of: 1) targets of blame, 2) a lot of all-or-nothing thinking, 3) unmanaged emotions, and 4) extreme behaviors.”

What I observed in my practice was that these personalities generally grew up in households where this style of “communication” was most often how people “related.”  Sometimes it was a more recent development in response to some change the family was not navigating well.  In any case, this argumentative stance typically served to maintain a distance that kept people from having to develop relationship skills about which they felt less competent or less inclined to learn or practice. 

Surprisingly, when I simply typed in “conflict” the first thing that came up was an article I myself had written in 2007 to my conflict-ridden church.  “Conflict is the beauty and the curse of diversity,” was my opening line, a quote from one of the members present at the meeting where the church sought to find a way forward.  They had identified ways to become healthier, to include covenanting among themselves that:

 6.We will behave respectfully towards one another.

  7.We will build bridges to one another.

Some of the ways # 6 and # 7 could be operationalized  would be to:

• Tell the truth. (Each of us have our own truth, our own perspective.

 We can honor each other’s truth).

• Honor transparency.( Be upfront. No hidden agendas, no “code”

 is spoken that disguises information).

• Practice open and civil communication.  (Communicate respect in

voice tone and body language). 

That church did eventually become healthier but it took a very long time, leadership, a united will and motivation  May all those factors come into play to develop a desire for a healthier nation, surely buried somewhere within us, to be revived.

   The invitation is open to share two cups of tea anytime at Hope’s Café or anywhere you share companionship and conversation.

May we bearers of hope, the “wait staff” at Hope’s Café, for each other and all those we encounter.  Shalom, Kate