Illusion/Delusion

Two Cups of Tea at Hope’s CafeIllusion/Delusion

Somewhere (“in a galaxy far, far away”) this great expanse of leisurely space will open up before me (I tell myself) and I will write, read,  really learn French, sew, play the piano, and discover my most creative self,  all with abandon!  (This will, of course, be taking place in a perfectly clean and organized home though it is unclear who will have done all that.  Nor is it apparent how the mundane chores like laundry and dishes will be accomplished or by whom).

When reality dares to step in to disrupt this idyllic notion, I consider what in reality  prevents my life from being more like the illusion?  (“I have commitments! I have responsibilities!” I sputter in protest.  Some truth there but not the heart of the problem. )

Some honest reflection reveals two particular components to the question:  1) I waste a lot of time, some of it searching for things I can’t find! (Refer to previous mention of the imaginary perfectly clean and organized home.) Factor 2 is the priority I place on maintaining connection.   A week clear of a lot of appointments and extra duties will stretch ahead of me and suddenly I have filled it with lunches with friends or planned a little dinner party at the house. (Oops! Gotta get busy preparing for company!) Or I will  use the time playing “catch up,” calling or texting folks to keep up with how they are doing.

Somehow I think this is not unique to me. This can be a problem at any age.  But retirement and aging contribute a nagging sense of borrowed time.  I am not going to live forever.  Time is not on my side. 

How do I use the hours allotted my “wild and precious life,” as Mary Oliver has so poetically described it?

Here is the fallacy in my thinking, the pernicious reality that deflates the illusion:  the only way that my life looks different requires I make different choices.  Will I quit having lunches and phone calls with friends?  Not likely! Will I refuse taking on commitments to things I value?  Once again, no I will not.  What I recognize is that I can balance my life more effectively.  I can allot my time a little differently that allows me to create something more pleasing to me.  Either I am in the driver’s seat of the vehicle of my life or I am forever confined by an image of a life that magically evolves with no effort on my part. Or as that famous “philosopher” Dolly Parton once said:

“ If you don’t like the road you’re walking, start paving another one.”